Here at COMDB we see ourselves as a public service of a fashion. Advising on such important matters as beer, BBQing, Valentine’s Day and other areas where older gentlemen may at times need some friendly advice. Perhaps no other area is so badly needing of advice for cranky old men as fashion. We have come to this conclusion through observation only, no extensive survey was required.
You may have heard before the saying that “the clothes make the man”. You may have also heard “you are what you eat.” We can only hope that neither of these expressions are true.
So here it is, advice you will never see in GQ, or Chatelaine, or Reader’s Digest, or even Zoomer for that matter. The highly anticipated COMDB guide to being fashionable for those who have long since gone out of fashion and don’t really care.
Plaid is in. Wear it often and everywhere. But plaid on plaid is a bold fashion statement that must be reserved for an evening at the Legion or other such high-class affairs.
Toupees are out, ball caps are in.
When in doubt, fall back on black. It worked for Johnny Cash didn’t it? ‘Nough said. (Guitar optional)
Tucking in your shirt because you can is just being egotistical. Stop showing off.
Slip on shoes are convenient for those that would much rather bend an elbow than bend over.
Sleeves are optional, but a forest of armpit hair over the shared apps at Casey’s is definitely a turnoff.
Suspenders are acceptable and sometimes necessary when your belt buckle is missing in action.
Not dying your hair will be the closest you will ever get to a “50 shades of grey” lifestyle.
Contrary to popular belief, socks and sandals are acceptable, and even recommended. Especially for those of you with a pair of nasty looking bunion covered gunboats. Consider wearing them as a favour to the general public.
Socks up to or above the knees (see above) are less likely to sag and as an added bonus they help prevent deep vein thrombosis.* These are equally acceptable with trousers or shorts and are an effective cover up for those varicose veins that look like corduroy leggings.
Bell bottom jeans and an earring? Grow up stoner. Aged rock stars are the exception, but no exemptions for tribute band members.
New Balance shoes are aptly named, and since they are EEEE Extra Wide they actually help with your balance and provide some much-needed barking space for the dogs, those aforementioned bunion covered gunboats.
Bathing suits should be long enough so you aren’t hanging more than 10 on the old surf board.
Worn out gets thrown out, so until a piece of clothing is thrown out (most likely by the missus) you can assume it is still in an acceptable condition for wearing.
Comfort trumps style, always.
Comb overs are out. Comb acrosses are an acceptable alternative.
Colour coordination is vastly overrated. If anyone questions your colour choices simply explain “I get up early, I dress in the dark, but you wouldn’t know about that now would you. You’re still pulling the jammies out of your butt crack at the crack of noon.” You can add the descriptor “you snot nosed punk” to this statement for dramatic effect, unless of course they do have some noticeable nasal blockages in which case calling them that would be just plain mean.
The brim of a ball cap serves a purpose. It can’t serve that purpose if the hat is on backwards. Ditch the skateboard and act your age Gramps.
Always have a black suit ready for the wedding and funeral circuit. Not to be fatalistic, but the same self-said suit will be handy for your ultimate and inevitable demise.
Never BBQ shirtless. Grease spatter stings like a MF. Come to think of it, never do anything shirtless.
Contrary to popular belief and wishful thinking, facial hair does not distract people from the lack of hair elsewhere. It does however harbour bugs and food quite handily, usually unbeknownst to the host.
When in doubt wear whatever you want, no one else really cares anyway, so why should you.
“Forever Young” ** Rod Stewart is rocking the runway with a velveteen green suit and a colour coordinated leopard (or is that cheetah) print tunic. Sans socks with those slip ons, bare ankles for all to see! Risque is what we say. Just remember, Rod is a professional, please don’t try this at home.
In anticipation of the flood of thank you messages pouring in for this sage advice, our response is a quote from the previously mentioned style icon rocker Rod Stewart who sang “You wear it well, A little old fashioned but that’s all right.”**
*Editor’s Comment: Deep vein thrombosis (DVT) is a serious condition where a blood clot can form in one of the deep veins of the body, usually a leg. One study comparing 15 trials found that wearing compression socks could reduce the risk of DVT by as much as 63 percent in surgical cases.
**Editor’s Comment: “You Wear it Well” is a song written by Rod Stewart and Martin Quittenton from Stewart’s 1972 album “Never a Dull Moment”. “Forever Young” is a song written by Rod Stewart with Jim Cregan and Kevin Savigar and released on his 1988 album “Out of Order”. Not to be confused with the 1973 Bob Dylan song of the same name.
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