You know when the head of the accounting department says “I’ve got good news and bad news” that it’s always bad news. “What do you want first” he says. “Good news first, always good news first” I tell him. He’s an OK guy for a bean counter, he’s good at handling the dollars but maybe not as adept when it comes to the common sense. “But why good news first? Wouldn’t you want to hear the good news last, it might make the bad news easier to take?” I have to educate him every now and then “Because, your news, good or bad, always ends up being bad news anyway and costs me money, so let’s get on with it”. He tends to have a flair for the dramatic, I didn’t know if there was going to be a drum roll or the mission impossible theme song in the background.
“The good news is you can expense your beer purchases.” There was a moment of silence, the type that usually accompanies such profound statements. “You mean, we can drink beer for free?” I say as I look skyward. Is that a tear in my eye? Perhaps.
I need to add some context here. COMDB has a lofty vision, that being “To provide honest, entertaining and educating reviews, news and views”. Our mission is simple, “To have fun doing it.” But we all know that’s all bullshit, our real vision and mission is to get free beer. Does this mean that we have achieved our vision as a company, that I no longer have to cash in my RESPs, that the grandkids don’t need scholarships anymore, well two of them don’t anyway? This was certainly good news. But wait a minute, there is still some bad news.
“Ok what’s the catch?” I ask. I mean I was born at night but not last night. Even though they call it happy hour, you still have to buy one to get one. He says ”Well not free exactly. See, you can expense it, and it goes on the company books as owing to you, it is a payable. And when the receivables come in then the company will be in a position to reimburse your expenses. “ Part way through his ramblings my mind was drifting towards Muskoka Oktoberfest weekend and I didn’t really comprehend the gravity of the situation. “You lost me at payable. So is that the bad news? I have to wait a few weeks to get my free beer money?”
Why is it that bean counters get so frustrated when talking to normal people? I can see him starting to get antsy. Luckily his office is a one story in the “financial district”, right next to the Taco Bell and the Starbucks, otherwise he would be looking for a window. I always did take him for a jumper.
“No, that’s not the bad news, in fact you may have to wait quite a while to get your money.” Well that sounded like bad news to me, that had to be the bad news. Nope, not the bad news. “How long is quite a while” was my obvious next question. “Maybe I should tell you the bad news first” he says. “Maybe you should” I say.
“The bad news is the company has no revenue” him delivering this bad news very serious and somber like he is giving a eulogy. I tell him “That’s the bad news? Well that’s not news, that’s for sure. I mean we’re not selling anything so of course there is no revenue. “ So he says ”The bad news is that without revenue the company can’t reimburse your expenses.” Although it was starting to dawn on me, I still hadn’t quite grasped the gravity of the situation. “Go on” I say. Then he lays it on the line “ Without revenue the company cannot reimburse your beer purchases.” “ You mean” “ Yes, no free beer.” That was certainly bad news. You could have heard a pin drop if it weren’t for the sound of the air rushing out of my hopes and dreams, our true vision seemingly unattainable.
So I had to update JT on the situation. I put it in a way that I knew he would understand. “Hey JT, without any revenue we don’t get any free beer.” “Well that’s not good news” he says. But then in a blinding flash of financial acumen and inspiration he says “ Let’s get some revenue.” Well why didn’t I think of that. Why didn’t the bean counter suggest that? It seems like an obvious solution.
JT says that lots of other websites have ads, so lets just sell some ad space to people that want to advertise, and Bob’s your uncle. I said “But what if the ads are stupid and don’t match what we are doing and make our website look cheesy, what if people think we have sold out.” At the same time we both laughed and said “Who cares. Free beer!”
All of us at COMDB, the reviewers, the translation department, the accounting department, even the editor, strive towards our vision of “providing honest, entertaining and educating reviews, news and views” and do so while fulfilling our mission “To have fun doing it” . But if you see an ad cluttering up our website for window cleaner or the next Die Hard movie (Die Peacefully), you can be assured that in fact we are well on the way to achieving our real vision and mission, that being free beer.
Everyone should have a bean counter like yours!!! Demonstrating free is what you pay for it! 😉