COMDB in the land of unconventional conventioners, immoderate moderators and exhibiting exhibitors. To be more specific, at the big mining convention in Montreal sampling suds in the daily wrap and tap show. Back in the day these conventions were all about drinking triples, seeing double and acting single. These days it’s one and done for yours truly, partly due to my constitution and partly under direction of the Department of Morality who frowns on any binge of a non-shopping nature. This article is evidence that I survived the event and lived to tell the tale. Three days of rain, even the Vancouverites were complaining about the weather.
The COMDB Wrap and Tap show was live and in colour, and viewed by thousands of attendees (really, it was). Propelling COMDB into multimedia superstardom fame and multinational enterprising, but still with no revenue and growing expenses. How’s the old saying go “there’s no business like no business”? My co-hosts were good guys, a couple of young whipper snappers. How young you ask? Let’s put it this way, while us COM were driving cross border to PQ after closing time in Ontario to pick up cases of Brador, they were still preconceived notions.
There was also a big awards gala. I got dressed up to the 8’s, the nines were a bit out of my price range. Sharp as a tack, right off the rack. The tux rental rack that is. Looking like a million in the old penguin suit, I could have walked into the $10,000 club and asked for change ($990,000 to be exact). And as an added bonus I found two drink tickets to Carla and Luigi’s wedding reception in the pocket. It appears what I thought was a fancy red pattern on the shirt turned out to be marinara. Long tie instead of bow tie took care of that issue.
Why the fancy duds you ask? In case you hadn’t heard, COMDB was up for an award. The “Best New Beer Review Website with No Revenue”, a niche award to be honest, but still an award. Yes, it was a long night. Hold your congratulations though, upon the opening of the envelope our hopes were dashed like a morse code message. To be clear, we didn’t win. It seems that “Grand Dames Sipping Suds” took home the trophy. I put on the obligatory loser smile and clapped with the rest of the crowd in case the cameras panned my way. I wasn’t familiar with the Grand Dames so I checked them out. It appears they were founded by none other than the CEO of the group organizing the conference! The fix was on! Out of interest, and the possibility of submitting a protest, I checked out their nepotism policy but found a grandmother clause which covered their asses. They were butt sanctioned! And to make matters worse, the wine at dinner was not pleasant, I think it came from sour grapes.
The next day I was asked to speak to a student group. I told them that after 45 years of working your ass off you too can become a beer reviewer. It didn’t solicit the type of excitement I was expecting.
At the trade show, I filled my treat bag with stocking stuffers for the grandkids. Knives, bottle openers, key chains, and coasters with phone numbers for explosives suppliers and earth moving equipment companies should all be greatly appreciated on Christmas morning.
Of course we did some belle province adult beverage reviews as well, the highlight of the conference in my opinion. One of the young whipper-snapper know it all co-hosts seemed perplexed by our 20 point review system. Why not ten he asked, a Bo Derek* fan I would guess. I explained to him that apart from the sexist connotations of a 1 to 10 rating system, our 1 to 20 system is twice as good. That didn’t seem to add up for him. I felt sorry for him, after all innumeracy is a terrible affliction, I mean those people don’t even count. When all was said and done a few beers were poured and scored and garnered some super suds ratings.
The final night was a free for all party, some would call it a free for all, which of course it was. I just said that. Regardless of what it was called that’s a wild bunch there that attend that ball I can tell you. I’ve seen some big balls, but their’s is the biggest. That didn’t sound right, did it? Anyway, for such a high energy shin dig I would have had to bring jumper cables and get jumped to survive the evening. That didn’t sound right either.
Better shift gears here. Instead of risking life and limb, I hung back and watched the Leafs lose another series opener at home. Losing isn’t their best look. Maybe they should skip the Skip the Dishes spots and not bank on the RBC ads and focus on hockey. Despite the lacklustre Leafs loss and a questionable award proceedings the convention was a rousing success and a good time was had by all. And I have a year to recover before we do it all over again.***
Editor’s General Comment: A fact check has deemed many of the author’s comments questionable, exaggerated or just not true. Then again, he has never let the facts get in the way of a mediocre story. Best to take all his statements with a very large grain of salt.
*Editor’s Comment: Bo Derek starred in the 1979 Blake Edwards movie “10” in which she plays, you guessed it, the perfect ten. Dudley Moore plays the middle-aged man with the infatuation for the beautiful young woman he has never met. One reviewer called it “a gentle essay on the problems of male menopause.” George Segal was originally cast in Moore’s role but when he dropped out last minute Edwards successfully sued him for $270,000.
***Editor’s Comment: There are only 130 shopping days left until Oktoberfest. And I doubt you will be invited back to speak to the students.
A great lighthearted read. Thanks.
Another good recap of events and adventures from Dr. Slack of the mining convention in Montreal. I’m glad to hear I wasn’t the only victim of the late nights, questionable influences and rainy weather.