The Bible tells us “the truth will set you free” [1] but I don’t think Mary and Joseph ever had young Jesus ask them if Santa was real. Jesus knew that the presents he was getting for his birthday were coming from his Mom and Dad, or Step-Dad as the case may be.
Back to present day (pun intended) and thanks to Google and IPads kids today can simply google “is Santa real” and get about 2,730,000,000 results in 0.29 seconds about the fat old chimney sweeper. Interestingly enough. the answers on Google are not what you would call concise, correct or even true.
It seems Google content is intent on perpetrating and perpetuating the Santa myth. Woman’s Day says “Santa Clause is real, of course!”. Good Housekeeping is aligned with Woman’s Day (some politically incorrect comments come to mind here) by saying “Of course he is. Let’s begin with something we all know is true: Santa Claus is real. New York Sun’s newspaper reported it in 1897.” [2] Now any child these days at an early age should know that something reported in the news doesn’t make it true, or I hope they do. The future of our society depends on it. But that is perhaps best left for another rant.
You have to refer not to the 1897 edition of the New York Sun, but to good old “Reader’s Digest” for some sensible advice on telling the truth about who all those fat boozy Santa’s filled with Christmas spirits with strap on beards really are. Those strange old men that 345 days of the year you wouldn’t let within 100 feet of your toddler but for two weeks of the year you not only sit your kids on their laps, but you wait in line to do it and pay good money to have a picture of them doing it. For those two weeks of the year those photos are fond keepsakes. Taken at any other time of the year they would be evidence to support a restraining order.
Our nine and ten year old grandchildren have done their research and are more aware of the facts than “Woman’s Day” seems to be. They seem to relish the opportunity to point out that grandma and grandpa have been lying to them all these years. They have not yet been able to employ the sophisticated logic required to realize that these fabrications have been to their own benefit in terms of the mountains of presents, the treats, the stockings and the general avarice showered upon them that accompanies a modern Christmas.
Back in the day if I told the old man he was a liar it wouldn’t matter a tick’s dick how much evidence I had, let me assure you the discussion wouldn’t end well for me.
Since the myth has been dispelled, I see it as an opportunity to eliminate the gifts that had “from Santa” on the tags. You know the ones that you buy at an inflated Christmas special price, but some imaginary fat old elf gets the credit for. However, I have a feeling that the Department of Procurement will not slow down on her Christmas purchases. Her Amazon Prime membership recently “transformed” into Optimus Prime. The hourly deliveries these days are at the door, not down the chimney. I’m not sure about the snow or mistletoe, but don’t worry Bing, there’ll be a boatload of presents under the tree.[3]
And that goddamn elf on the shelf is one more tall tale that they come to realize isn’t moving around by magic. And, hypothetically, maybe after a few holiday libations you forget one night to move the Elf there is hell to pay the next morning and not just from those adult beverages the night before.
Of course you and I both know the Elf on the Beer Shelf is the real deal. Speaking of real, it’s time to keep it real, hang up that Santa suit, pour yourself a cold one, and have an unmagical but very Merry Christmas.
[1] Editor’s Comment: John 8:32 The Bible English Standard Version. Jesus said “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
[2] Editor’s Comment: Good Housekeeping is referring to the famous editorial by Francis P. Church in the September 21st 1897 New York Sun in response to Virginia O’Hanlon’s question “I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say that there is no Santa Claus. Papa says “If you see it in the Sun, it is so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?” The question looks as fictional as Church’s response, which was famously titled “Yes Virgina, There is a Santa Claus”.
[3] Editor’s Comment: The song “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”, written by Kim Gannon and Walter Kent, was first recorded by Bing Crosby in 1943. It is a World War II song in which a soldier stationed overseas hopes to be home for the holidays. The song ends on a sad note with the soldier saying “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.” Since World War II ended on September 2, 1945 it may have been a few years before he made it home for Christmas.
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