Beer tasting ! There’s been lots written about it but we have no time to read that stuff, we are too busy tasting beers. Us cranky old men started drinking beer back when being a politician was a noble profession, so we have been at it for a while. Here is a step by step guide for those of you who are new to the game or a bit slow. Pay attention.
Step 1: Choose your beer.
We usually pick a beer based on a funny name or a neat looking can. You can choose based on a type of beer if you want, but there are so many types of beer out there we have a hard time keeping track of them.
Step 2: Chill that beer.
We like it cold. How cold? Preferred temperature is colder than a witch’s tit. Colder than a walk on the moon. Colder than your wife’s stare when you open your second beer. You get the idea. Cold.
Step 3 Optional: Chill that glass.
Why optional? Drinking out of the can or bottle is OK, but we find we drink faster with a glass, do I need to explain that any further?
What type of glass? A cold one. See step 2.
How cold should the glass be? Cold but not frozen. Why? Cause if your glass is frozen it might freeze your beer, that’s why. Let’s wait to the end for questions, OK with you?
Step 3: Pour the beer into the glass.
Some tasters refer to this as the pour. Go figure. If you tip up the bottle or can and beer doesn’t pour into the glass it has no pour. Chances are if it has no pour something is wrong, probably what has happened is one of your beer-mooching friends sucked it down while you weren’t looking. You have to go back to step 1 and keep an eye on your beer from now on.
Step 4: Look.
How does it look? Does it look like beer? Well what did you expect?
Step 5: Head.
Does it have more head than the hound of hades? It could be the beer, or it could be you. A poor pourer pours a poor pour. Say that ten times fast after a few beers. Foam sucks. Let it settle down for a bit.
Step 6: Aroma.
Smell the beer. If it smells like a skunk’s areshole it is probably skunky. Chuck it out and go back to step 1. If it smells like beer go to step 7.
Step 7. Drink it.
Note we recommend that you drink it, not just taste it. I have tried beer that was more bitter than the runner-up at a beauty pageant but after three or four swigs it started to taste OK. Does it taste good? Of course it does, its beer. Does it taste real good? Then write down the name of the beer because I’ll be damned if I can remember the names of some of these crazy beers.
How to Look Like you Know What You are Doing
If we have learned nothing from modern politics, it is that what you say is more important than what you know. Here are some things you can say so people think you know what you are talking about when it comes to beer tasting:
- In discussing the beer’s appearance: This beer appeared to me, so I drank it.
- In discussing the beer’s finish: This one is finished, get me another.
- In discussing the aroma: I love the smell of Oktoberfest in the morning ( oblique reference to “Apocalypse Now” for movie fans)
- General comments: This one is mine, get your own.
When all else fails, chill, pour, and enjoy. The beer is the journey.
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