The COMDB Guide to Getting Smarter

Less than 2% of everyone in the world is a genius. That means if you are with an Apple Store employee or a cast member from The Big Bang Theory chances are you aren’t the genius in the room.¹ I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I’m smart enough to know I’m no genius. In fact, the Department of Morality on numerous occasions has implied that I am not a genius. I think her exact words were “You’re no genius.”  

But that got me thinking, just because I am not a genius doesn’t mean I can’t get smarter. Does it? I wasn’t sure so I Googled it. Smart eh. Apparently, you can boost your IQ, good to know. Here is what you need to do to smarten up.

• Learn a new language. Trop de travail pour moi.
• Learn to play a musical instrument.  Does spinning some classic vinyl on my turntable count?
• Meditate. I’ll need to sit and think about that one a bit.
• Exercise. I have my own personal program, the Beach Ball program™ which allows me to eat and drink whatever I want while doing little to no exercise, and by doing so replacing heavier muscle with lighter body fat thereby maintaining my present weight or close to it. Very smart on my part.
• Read more. I joined a beer of the month club, not the book of the month club.

It all sounds like hard work. I think just thinking about how to get smarter has made me smarter. Then I remember old René Descartes who said “I think, therefore I am.” ² And he was probably a genius. So I had an idea. If I think I am smarter than maybe I will be smarter. I think therefore I am. Get it. A stroke of genius, or maybe a genius having a stroke, I’m not sure which.³ So I started thinking about things that don’t make you smarter but just make you think you’re smarter, since thinking you’re smarter could make you smarter according to Descartes, and he was pretty smart, I think.

So here goes. A list of things you can do to make you feel smarter than you really are and aren’t as much work as things that will actually make your smarter, but according to René Descartes (a pretty smart guy in his own right) are things that may in fact make you smarter if you aren’t careful.

1. Making a list. I find that to-do lists are a great way to procrastinate. Try it some time, if you can find the time.
2. Quoting philosophers like Descartes or Aristotle who said “There is no genius without some touch of madness.”  Is that genius or madness? Or both?
3. Finding out obscure facts. Did you know that there are 12,972 five letter words in the Wordle dictionary. Can you feel it? Your IQ is growing like a weed just by reading this blog.
4. Finding something without using your GPS. The Tim Hortons, Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts at the end of the street doesn’t count. Finding the closest Cannabis store in Canada definitely doesn’t count. ⁴
5. Knowing a few fancy pants words like portmanteau and obsequious. Just don’t ask me to use them in a sentence or pronounce them correctly.⁵
6. Journaling. Last night’s brew, today’s review. Beer is my muse.
7. Before asking anyone anything, Google it. Does that qualify as reading?

All of these things will make you feel smarter without really making you smarter and the knock off affect (or is it effect?)⁶ is that you actually become smarter.

If getting a headache comes with getting smarter than I think it’s working.

¹ Editor’s Comment: Apple Store technical consultants are called Geniuses. The only cast member of the Big Bang Theory who may qualify as a genius in real life is Mayim Baylik who has a PhD in neuro-science. Johnny Galecki (who plays Leonard) is at the other end of the spectrum, having dropped out of high school.

² Editor’s Comment: In Descartes “Discourse on the Method” published in 1637, the Latin “cogito, ergo sum” is the first principle of his philosophy. He originally published it in French as “je pense, donc je suis” to make it more accessible to the public. In his method it appears it is the only thing he is certain of, as it is the only concept to pass his test of methodic doubt. 

³ Editor’s Comment: I am quite sure it is neither.

⁴ Editor’s Comment: Cannabis was legalized in Canada on October 17, 2018. As of May 2023 there were 3,740 retail Cannabis stores in Canada. They actually outnumber Tim Hortons which has 3,523 stores across Canada.

⁵ Editor’s Comment: A “portmanteau” is a combination of two words to make another. The combination of breakfast and lunch to make the word brunch is a portmanteau. An obsequious person is a suck up or a brown noser.

⁶ Editor’s Comment: The correct word is “effect”. I guess all of this takes a while to take effect. Although I must admit, correcting you usually makes me feel smarter. Well, smarter than you, anyway.