A few years ago The Department of Morality (the missus) came home from another spree of the Christmas shopping variety and told me that she had found the Christmas present that I was going to give her. Right away I realized that this was a conversation I should pay attention to. She said it was the most spectacular bird feeder in the world. I said “I have told you a million times not to exaggerate.” She ignored that comment, having heard it a few times before. She said it was at the craft show and I had to go quickly in case someone else bought it. I asked her if she had put a deposit on it and she said no, of course not, that would spoil the surprise.
So I proceeded over to the big craft show and there it was, center stage, the most spectacular bird feeder in the world. It was still for sale and when I went to look at it I saw why. The most spectacular bird feeder in the world also came with a pretty spectacular price tag.
However, being in business, I know that everything is negotiable. So I thought I should be able to reduce the damage that the most spectacular bird feeder in the world was about to inflict on our bank account.
When I started to talk to the craftsman who built the most spectacular bird feeder in the world he recognized me and knew me by name. I sometimes get that, when I was running a business in town I was visible in the business community, so there was a chance he would recognize me. I thought that this could help me in my negotiations. He said “I thought that was you. Your wife was here not that long ago and she told me that she would be sending you over. She said that she absolutely had to have the feeder, but that she couldn’t put a deposit on it because that would ruin the surprise.” His knowledge of the situation certainly eroded my leverage in our negotiation. I paid the sticker price, which I believe actually went up between the time my wife looked at the feeder and I did.
Christmas morning my wife didn’t seem surprised at all with her gift, but she was very happy. I think she described her gift as spectacular.
All winter she talked about the most spectacular bird feeder in the world, and all the beautiful blue jays, the cheerful chickadees, the sprite like sparrows, all the alliterative birds that would fly and flock to the feeder. It was a long winter.
But winter gave way to spring, as it so often does, and it was my job to install the most spectacular bird feeder in the world in our back yard, under the supervision of the Department of Morality. I held it up here, I moved it there, I was requested to stand directly behind it to mimic the post that would ultimately support it. It was at that point I realized that it may also be the heaviest bird feeder in the world. Eventually we found the right spot and I erected it and filled it with surprisingly expensive seeds. I filled it again the next day, and the next day.
I began to wonder about the ravenous birds that we were consuming seed at $20 a bag. Upon closer examination in turns out we were feeding groundhogs, chipmunks, and squirrels. We were feeding the raccoons. Even the occasional deer.
Well that just wouldn’t do, so I did what anyone would do. I Googled it. I typed in “How do I keep varmints out of the most spectacular bird feeder in the world?” It turns out it is a widespread problem with a very simple solution. Remove the food source. When I checked on other solutions it appears there were none. When I proposed this solution to the missus she was not impressed and made a comment about engineers which I won’t repeat here. I told her I was trying and she agreed. She said I was very trying.
So how to keep the varmints out of the feeder? I ruminated on this engineering challenge. They were climbing up the square wooden post with their little varmint claws. So my solution was both quick and relatively inexpensive. I put a metal stove pipe around the post, they can’t sink their little varmint claws into metal. I was quite proud of myself, and I remember thinking how this engineered solution was comparable to the Hoover Dam in terms of man conquering nature.
Problem solved!
The next day after work I saw squirrels in the most spectacular bird feeder in the world, the one with a metal stove pipe around the post. How can that be? Their itty bitty varmint claws can’t penetrate steel. I watched and learned. I saw a squirrel climb up the trellis at least 6 feet away and sail onto the top of the feeder. It may have been my imagination but in mid-flight I think he turned and gave me an itty bitty claw finger. The squirrel flipped me off! Well at least the raccoons can’t get up there, they can’t jump that far.
Later that night I saw eyes reflecting out of the most spectacular bird feeder in the world. I turned on the lights to see two raccoons inside the feeder cleaning it out, with three more below picking up what hit the ground. When the lights went on they just shimmied down the post, their little varmint legs wrapped around the stove pipe.
And of course the stove pipe solution was totally ineffective when it came to the bears!
My wife loves all of the animals that come to visit so she is happy. Happy spouse, happy house. Seed is now a substantial part of our budget, I think around the same annual cost as property tax. But I have learned to live with the wildlife that visits. I guess our COMDB philosophy of “live and let live” now applies to varmints too. So when it comes to the most spectacular bird feeder in the world my life is now relatively stress free. Until next Christmas at least.
I see you’ve been working on your second career Roy. 😊
This is a hoot! Well done.
Merry Christmas to you and your family! And best wishes for a healthy, happy New Year.
Thanks Janet. Not retired, just tired. And still working on my LOFT. Merry Christmas.