Dad used to always say “ Mother’s Day is every day, but Father’s Day is only once a year” and one thing I learned as a kid was never to fact check the old man. So that special everyday day has arrived and if you’re as cheap as the Cranky Old Men (Farmer Steve is so cheap he’s free) you’re wondering just what are your obligations when it comes to your significant other Mother, or as they say in French, Ma-damn Wife. You’re in luck, because COMDB has the definitive infinitives on the subject, and the rest of the letters as well.
There’s no time like the present for a present is what they say, and the possible gift ideas for your Mother are endless. Flowers, candy and perfume. Ok not endless but that raises the more important question as to what do you get the Mother of your dragons and ruler of your seven kingdoms.
Now if the bearer of your progenies is your ex then it looks like the kids weren’t your only mistake. The good news is since you are no doubt already providing a monthly and substantial stipend to her, a gift of any kind will most likely pale by comparison. You are in fact the gift that keeps on giving.
But for your wife for life the COMDB marriage survival guide tells us that quality time apart is important to preserving your marriage as well as your sanity. But on this special day perhaps some quality time together is an option? You could watch ER or another banal, benign and non-sports-oriented TV show togther. OK not necessarily quality time together but time together nonetheless. Your presence being her present. *
Or how about you cook dinner tonight. The COMDB guide to the fine art of BBQing tells us that well done is well done, so blacken that beef, char that chicken, and crack a cold one while you’re at it. Burgers on the grill always beat Mickey Ds hands down. But if you really have to go out for dinner no doubt your local pub has a Mother’s Day special. But be forewarned, reservations will be required since all the Dads who ran out of propane for the BBQ will be out in full force.
She has dealt with a card most of her adult life but that doesn’t mean that one more wouldn’t hurt. In fact she may even be thinking it’s time for a new one. So what you write in the card you give her better be good. When I expressed the sentiment that she was a “great grandmother” her eyebrow reaction told me that in the future I should pick my wording more wisely. A card, flowers, a Mars bar (love her to Mars and back) and a BBQ dinner and I’ve survived another year of Mother’s Days.
Here’s a COMDB toast to all the Mothers out there. Where would we be without you? That an existential question too deep for this website, so just ignore it, and enjoy your special day.
*Editor’s Comment: You? What a cheap present that would be.
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