At a past Muskoka Oktoberfest the cranky old men were festering and beerstorming on making money from Farmer Steve’s unique skunk hunting ability. So it should have come as no surprise the discussion that ensued after I complained on the COMDB WhatsApp group the other day about that otter that shits on my dock at the cottage.
JT mentioned that fertilizer prices have reached an all time high lately and perhaps this could be a profit-making venture. * Of course, we immediately reached out to Farmer Steve who happens to have considerable expertise in both spreading fertilizer and profit making. He said, and I quote “Otter shit would be considered niche and drive premium pricing. People love overpaying for limited “while they last” products”. He went on to say that it would be a nice summer job for my Grandkids, harvesting Otter droppings. ** I told him I was sure that my grandkids wouldn’t put up with that shit.
Although our otter is quite regular, the topic of boosting production came up. That may require more otters, which I wasn’t too keen on. I had a better idea. “If I lace the crayfish with ExLax would I still be able to call the shit organic?”
As a former marketing maven (those rutabagas don’t sell themselves) Farmer Steve had no qualms about the organic claim. “You turd can” he texted back. Was that a typo or had the discussion shifted to packaging?
Of course, it doesn’t matter what the quality of your product is, as long as it has a catchy name. Sneaky Weasel was already taken, maybe we could piggyback on its success with Stinky Weasel Fertilizer. Our Editor chimed in and said that an otter is not a weasel and perhaps Lontra Canadensis Feces would be a more accurate name. At that point we blocked the Editor from the chat, someone called him a party pooper which seemed apropos. In some stepping stone idea generation, that led to Otter Potter Poop, which was revised to Otty Potty Poopy, but both were deemed too cute and sweet. Rodent Rectal Rejects was also not deemed to be suitable despite an awkwardly attractive alliteration. Organic Otter Oleo had a nice ring to it but is perhaps a bit misleading although we could put warnings on the package that it’s not for human consumption.
Meanwhile, the other day the otter did double doody so to speak and I’m not sure if that means he’s supporting the enterprise or poo pooing the idea.
Fonger commented on some “good shit” with a smoke emoji, which we assumed had nothing to do with the topic at hand, as is often the case when he enters the discussion .
But when it comes to the fertilizer motherlode we need to look no further than RA’s backyard and the production of his milk bone addicted lactose intolerant hound. RA is constantly harvesting, in fact it’s the number 2 item on his to doo-doo list. ***
The COM have lots of “fertile” ideas but we really have zero initiative to engage in work, hard work especially but it’s safe to say we are adverse to work of any type. So another brilliant profit making idea will end up making someone else millions, while we sit back quaffing a cold one reminiscing about how we thought of otter crap fertilizer first.
*Editor’s Comment: Fertilizer prices are experiencing a sharp and most likely sustained increase due to shipping disruptions in the Middle East. Overall fertilizer prices are expected to rise over 30% this year, and coupled with higher fuel costs it is expected this season to be the highest planting cost on record.
**Editor’s Comment: Although wild animal droppings can be used as fertilizer it is not a recommended practice for food crops. The droppings can carry parasites, pathogens and weeds seeds.
**Reviewer’s Comment: And that’s why we don’t invite the Editor to these chats.
*** COMDB C-Rap:
Multi stooping and scooping, all the puppy pooping.
Collecting the feces of the canine species.
Picking up the crap while sampling what’s on tap.
Getting off the bar stool to pick up the dog stool.
Can’t sit, there’s more shit. Haven’t you heard, he’s dealing with terrier turd. Tag it and bag it.
Gotta give it, and live it, while digging those steaming divots.
Time to put a cap in this crap rap. Mic droppings, Boom!
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