Growing a beard. It sounds like an activity doesn’t it. A real effort. Of course, it’s the exact opposite. A total absence of action. Just not shaving, simple as that. Or is it. How about a playoff beard. Associating doing nothing with a sport that you aren’t playing while you watch TV and drink a beer.* Sounds like an activity custom made for a cranky old man.
If you don’t know how to grow a beard Men’s Health ** offers 7 tips to help you. I figured that tip number 1 would be “stop shaving” and tips 2 through 7 would be follow tip #1. But apparently it’s a complicated process.
The first thing they tell you is “you can’t do it alone”. It seems you need a bevy of beard friendly products that luckily the magazine advertises. 24 products are recommended to be precise, including Jack Black Beard Oil. This product is in no way associated with the comedian Jack Black, although he did try it and said that it gave him a rash.
They tell us “You need to be patient, you don’t get a six pack overnight.” That may be a bit misleading. Unless you are ordering your beer from Amazon, you can pop by the corner store and pickup a six pack in 10 or 15 minutes.
Tip #4 is actually to stop shaving. The only thing I can’t understand about that advice is why it wasn’t tip number 1 through 7. They go on to say that after you stop shaving for a two weeks you have to start shaving again. As in trimming it. Trimming makes an important statement. It’s telling people “I’m growing a beard” rather than “I stopped shaving”.
I know whenever I grow a beard people tell me, as if I might not be immediately aware of it, or have any mirrors in my house. “Growing a beard, eh.” No one has ever come up to me and said “So you stopped shaving, eh.”
As far as I’m concerned, growing a beard involves zero effort and can be easily done alone, and in fact alone is the only way to actually do it. It is one modicum of effort less than growing old. At least growing old involves somehow staying alive.
*Editor’s Comment: And watch the Leafs lose out in the first round.
*Editor’s Comment: Men’s Health Magazine, “Here’s How To Grow a Beard, According to Master Barbers” by Garret Munce, August 26, 2022
Postscript: I decided to shave the beard but leave the stache. I was going for a Tom Selleck look, or at least an aging porn star, but ended up with a Wilf Brimley. It’s coming off tomorrow.
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