Cranky Reviews

7 cranky old quaffers, once substantial contributors to society, now not so much. Their lives still well taxed but never taxing. Consumers might be a more apt description, with the sales of golf balls, craft beer and Crown Royal spiking right around this time of year. Yes, it is that time of year again, time for the highly anticipated, eagerly awaited, and multiple beer rated COMDB AGM (Annual Golf Meeting).

On island time

This year’s by invite only social event of the year was an island affair at Farmer Steve’s not so private island getaway, that being Wolfe Island. The largest of what are the Thousand Islands last time we counted, it overlooks the continental USA. Although we could see the imaginary border in the waves and whitecaps of the St. Lawrence River, we never ventured close to it, so the only ice we encountered was in the beer cooler.

At the Wolfe Island Riverfront Golf Course, we were a cranky old group of seven but there were no masterpieces in our repertoire. I did have a bogie free round though! Yep, only double bogies, triple bogies and snowmen for me.*

With golf out of the way we reconvened at Farmer Steve’s cottage. We usually quickly address the AGM formalities, but it appears that I had forgotten to bring the financial information (The Loss Statement and the Unbalanced Sheet), or the minutes of the previous AGM, or any of the other necessities that make up a typical board meeting. They were missing, but not missed. With all the formalities conveniently dispatched, some informal quaffing commenced.

The evening was not without some drama. In a classic case of miscommunication, there was no Caesar salad. The COM who were supposed to bring the Romaine had lettuce down.

After a post links thirst quenching pint and then a palette cleansing one, some serious  sampling began. Six thirsty COM and one tokin’ Royalist and we were off to the races, but on island time so in no hurry. Twelve suds poured and scored into the 5-ounce fancy pants crystal sampling glasses *** of six discerning drinkers.

A conga line of crafts.

High Scorer: In golf that was me, but as for the beers, a controversial winner was Pizza Party from Dominion City. Their West Coast Pilsner was enjoyed by all but Farmer Steve said, and I quote ”I’ll be damned if a beer named Pizza Party is going to win” and he tagged it with a 14 out of 20. JT countered with a 19 out of 20 (highest individual rating of the evening) and when the scores were skewed, tabulated, and gerrymandered (averaged) they came in at 16.5. Winner winner, pizza dinner.

Best Name: It’s no surprise that Refined Fool Brewing are the winner in this category with their Canadian Red Ale, Make Milk Bags Great Again, which seemed apropos as we sat on the deck looking across the border.

Most Fear Inducing Brew: Third Moon have some pretty spooky brews, but their Triple Bone Tree at 10.5 percent was a shiver giver that put a quiver in your liver.

Nice Surprise of the Evening: Along with Fonger’s BBQing, another nice surprise was Lake of the Mountain’s Bootlegger Black IPA. It was well received and came in at a super suds 15 out of 20. Black IPA’s have not been a real COM crowd pleaser**** but this one was enjoyed by all.

The Lowly Lime Lager Loser: Avling have whipped up some tasty brews in their day but this Lime Lager isn’t one of them. Not at all a brilliant wallop, more grim and near minging swipes this one. And if you understood that last sentence then you’re too limey too.

Another Canada Old Age Security sponsored event in the books. The emotional damage wreaked by the golf was matched only by the physical damage incurred by the many more than one before we were done beers. The next day, although not ship-shape, we shipped out, a mid day river crossing convoy back to the mainland and the harsh realities of the retired life of professional beer reviewers.

*Editor’s Comment: A “snowman” is a score of 8.

**Editor’s Comment: Wolfe Island is the largest of the Thousand Islands and is located in the St. Lawrence River, South of Kingston Ontario at the mouth of Lake Ontario. To the South of Wolfe Island is Carleton Island and mainland New York State, USA.

***Editor’s Comment: $1.50 a piece at Canadian Tire.

****Editor’s Comment: Of the 6 Black/Dark IPAs reviewed to date, none have achieved super suds status until now.